Where Do I Go From Here? (also…How Did I Get Here?)

I have been in massive turmoil lately as I have found myself in disarray. I am not happy at work, at home, by myself, or with others. I did something today that I have not done in quite some time…I prayed. And not just the “Oh, please God help me,” prayer, either. It was much deeper. I want very deeply to turn over a new leaf in my life…maybe running around rampant with no one to account to is not the best thing for me. I thought I was happier this way, but I think the truth is that too much freedom leads to self-destruction.

Balanced Atoms and Balanced Families

During my live chat session for my college biology class, we were discussing electrical charges in atoms regarding having too many electrons or protons and the atom becomes less stable. On my home from Starbucks, there was a song in the radio about a guy who had his whole future planned out around having a boy, but wound up with a little girl instead. It got me thinking about how unbalanced my family could be having two boys instead of one boy and one girl. Leo is a handful for me and I know he is for Dallas. I don’t mean in a bad way, just a young boy growing up, imagining two of those could be a little overwhelming. Each of my kids has different gifts and needs and in a way add to the balance of our overall family. There are times that each of my kids bugs me to the point of wanting to run away, but in truth I cannot imagine my life without them in it.

My Own Morality

Eight years ago today, my father passed away. I have a lot of anxiety regarding that, I wish the preceeding circumstances had been different. Every year on this day I clear my calendar and spend it with my mom. Lately she has been really sick and it has made me realize that I don’t know how much longer she is going to be around either. I feel like a terrible son, I take her being her for granted. I used to spend time with her, now it rare. There are very few pictures of my father and me in my older years. Even though my mom likes to be camera shy, I’m going to have some recent pictures of us together before she goes. There is nothing that can trully be more important than the woman who gave me life and has been there for when no other has. This day forth I vow to show her more attention, affection and appreciation for all that she has done and still does do for me and my family.

My wife’s father is up in age also, but unlike me, she has siblings that are only 10 years older than her and they will be here for her longer than her father… I guess I am blessed, because they welcome me as one of their own.

P90X

I was supposed to start P90X yesterday, but we had company over for the Fiesta Bowl. Hook em Horns! I got up this morning and did about thirty minutes of the Cardio X DVD and I felt a little light headed. I am still recovering from being sick with flu and Strep and also a little dehydrated. I have to remember to drink plenty of fluids even if I am not going to work.

Grillin’

I originally planned on spending a little me time while waiting for the grill to heat up. I had not sat down for more than a minute when my three year old son appears next to me on his stool. We counted to ten and recited ABCs and had an interesting conversation for his age. Sometimes it’s great being a dad.

Values

Decisions are based on values. You can say they’re based on consequences, but consequences are value based. A married man will have an affair because he values the exciting new relationship more than the one he has at home. Life would be simple if values were constant and never changed, but the only constant is that things are always changing. Something as simple as having a conversation with my three year old son over what he wants for breakfast changes the value of my home and family life.

Interviewus Interruptus

I’m here in Corpus Christi waiting for my SORM interview and I hate feeling like I do. I’m not sick or tired or nervous; I just feel like this is not right. Maybe I feel this way because of all the turmoil at work. Maybe I’m just hungry…

Circular logic, my wife…

Circular logic, my wife will probably understand it’s best, but this is example of my Nas(?) Card(?) review(?), I’ve been trying to find Due(?) program, so I have one link to remember the milk which is a link to my Google calendar, which is link to my phone when I already have jott using(?) for me, so I’m just doing it ____ … listen

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NASCAR, right now I…

NASCAR, right now I feel like my mind is running NASCAR. I am going in circles and circles and circles and I can’t seem to make a pit stop to think about something else or I can’t seem to win the race so I can get off this track. I don’t know, I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels, going nowhere. Its getting really really frustrating. listen

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Rough on the kids

My son pushed another little boy at the park and I caught him and placed him in time-out. After the time-out, I walked my son back over to the little boy and told him to apologize and his parents made him shake Leo’s hand. Their little boy couldn’t have been more than 3 of 4. It made me happy to see that we are the only ones who insist on manners from our children. I ajve the sincerest hope that by being a little stricter on my children that they will be better citizens.

CSI

“Anybody who’s great at anything, does it for their own approval, not someone else’s.”

- Gil Grissom

What we do now?

I am usually one who does not care, nor tolerate, poor grammar; but this title is funny to me because my son says it often (he’s 2). The reason that’s my title is because I am in a state of flux right now wondering what direction to steer my life. Growing up in San Antonio made HEB a really great place to work. While I was living in San Antonio, I applied to HEB and was turned down. After I moved to Victoria, and I wound up applying in desperation for a job because I had made the mistake of leaving the other one, HEB hired me. I was given full-time status in 1 month instead of 3; was considered for stock controller in 4 months instead of 6 months to a year; and was promoted to stock controller in three weeks instead of 6. Now, I am highly tempted to walk away from all this success and resume driving the great open road. I guess, I’m scared of making the same mistake that I did with Schneider almost a year ago.

The night after Christmas

‘Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the store

Not a creature was stirring, not even GM;

The pallets were sitting in receiving with care,

In hopes that spotters soon would be there;

The stockers were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of pay-raises danced in their heads;

And Larry in his ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,

When out on parking lot there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the breakroom to see what was the matter.

Away to the door I flew like a flash,

Tore past LP and knocked over the trash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of midnight to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,

I knew in a moment it must be Doug Wallace.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Grocery! now, GM! now, Produce and Bakery!

On, Service! on Floral! on, Texas Backyard!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now stock away! stock away! stock away all!”

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So back to receiving the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of pallets, and green totes too.

And then, in a slamming, I heard at the back door

The hemming and hawwing of each little department.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Through the backdoor Randy came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;

A bundle of returns he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had plenty to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the aisles; then turned with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, out the backdoor he went;

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to all, and be done by six!”

What I have learned from coworkers at HEB:

Randy-Learn from the past, but keep looking ahead.
Larry- Take a step back and see the bigger picture.
BJ- Stocking is a mind game. If you think it’s hard, it will be.
Marcos- What others view as a handicap, may really be an advantage.
Alex- Always keep them guessing.
David- Never give up on someone.
Johnathan- Attitude is everything.
Gary- Always give 110%.
Stephanie- Your actions will always far exceed your words.
John- You’re never too old to try something new.
Adam- Go with the flow, even if it means you’re not happy with the flow.
Gabe- You can have fun while working hard.
Justin- That there is such a thing as youthful wisdom.
George F- Sometimes a career change is a good idea.
George P- The size of your body does not limit the size of your accomplishments.
Steven- Don’t let what other’s say get you down.
Nathan- Everybody needs to laugh now and then.

What I Remember…

My Dream:
After completing a second shift at work and being awake for 28 hours straight, I had a weird dream. I was running from something at first; didn’t know who or what, when I entered a closet and discovered some weapons. The first item I picked up was a short saber, but discarded it in lieu of a longer, sharper katana. I also strapped a black and silver Buck boot knife to my hip along with a military survival knife I already own. An interesting item of note here is that all three were strapped to my right hip. I ran out the house as the people were closing in on me, out the back door and through a grassy alley. I was almost nabbed by two people but managed to use my sword to get away. I came to a parking lot and hopped over a few planters while I could hear people in the background talking about me. These people knew, but didn’t know what was going on or how to help me. I began to wonder what I would do, where would I sleep? I began trying to recall what I did last time this happened to me. (I’ve a similar dream in the past, but the knives were not involved.)

Here are some interpretations from the Dream Dictionary:

Alley

To see an alley in you dream, suggests that you have limited options. Alternatively, it indicates that you may be sidetracked due to domestic duties and find yourself in a dilemma.

To dream that you are walking through an alley, represents that you may be walking into a dead-end or that you have taken a short cut in life. It also may denote that your reputation is in jeopardy.

Grass

To see green grass in your dream, suggests that there is a part of yourself that you can always rely on. The dream is also symbolic of natural protection.

Knife

To dream that you are carrying a knife, signifies anger, aggression and/or separation. There may be something in your life that you need to cut out and get rid of. Alternatively, the knife may be symbolic of something divisive in your life. You may be attempting to cut ties or sever some relationship.

Sword

To dream that you are wielding a sword, represents your ambition, competitive nature decisiveness and will power.. You seek to hold a position of prestige, authority, and distinction. Alternatively, the sword can be seen as a phallic symbol and thus represent masculine power.

Police

To see the police in your dream, indicates some failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolize structure, rules, and control. A more direct interpretation of seeing the police in your dream forewarns that you should avoid reckless behavior.

Running

To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

To dream that you are running alone, signifies that you will advance to a higher position and surpass your friends in the race for wealth. Alternatively, you may be running from some situation or from temptation

Closet

To see a closet in your dream, symbolizes something in your life that you have kept hidden. It may also signify an unveiling of previously hidden aspects of yourself, as in “coming out of the closet”.

Parking Lot
To dream that you are in parking lot, suggests that you need to slow down and take some time to relax from your daily activities.